i've been told recently that some people i really care about won't be able to come here for a con that's going to happen soon. i'm not going to go into detail about what that made me feel.
i looked at my bracelets earlier while riding in a friend's car to a restaurant. and it got me thinking.
the one on my right hand - lily made that one for me. it's a kandi bracelet. it was in the 2023 convention, while we were in one of the hotel's lobbies, black couches spread in the hallway. i was probably having another one of my mental breakdowns. she pulled the bracelet out, saying it was for me. i put it on without hesitation, and i wanted to break down into tears again over it. i don't remember what she said to me anymore. i wish i did. but i swore to myself that i'd never take it off, never ever. not for any reason whatsoever. because i was so, so afraid i'd lose her somehow if i did.
it never broke after all this time. it's still intact, after almost a whole year. in that same convention, she also gifted me a necklace with a .45ACP bullet on it - i've never taken that off either. not since the day i got it. the red paint has rusted off by now, but i still wear it. i don't consciously think about either of these much, but i instinctively protect them, and never take them off, as if by second nature. as if they held everything i still believed in.
the bracelet on my left hand was a simple blue friendship bracelet i made two years ago. it served as a reminder for willow, to make sure i'd never forget, with all the stress i was under at the time. i hadn't known we were a plural system at the time. the construction of it was a bit shoddy. i didn't really understand the instructions for making a bracelet like this. but despite that - despite how worn it looked at this point, it never broke either. it never got taken off. it shows no signs of actually being damaged. even after two years it's still on me. like her soul is in there. and she never stopped holding on. like i never stopped holding on.
the other ornament on my necklace - that is now held together by red string, and has generally held together better than the flimsy copper piece of crap it was originally on - is a crescent moon with a kind of sphere in the middle. a friend from the shelter gifted it to me, one day, when we went to hot topic together so they could buy me a new fit. i'm still grateful to them for it. but i held on to it for other reasons, too. the moon holds a significance to me that no one will ever understand. something i cannot explain myself either - i just know it's important to me somehow.
i keep small things like this that seem insignificant to anyone else, because they are all i have to keep the memory of these people alive. they help me stay stable. they are all i have to remind me i have so, so much more left in my life to do.
i wanted to burst into tears thinking about all this again.
things cannot end like this. things will not end like this.
i have to keep going. so i can see all these people again one day. so i can see all the other people i care about one day. so i can show them how i really feel.
